The Big Kahuna - It's ALIVE

See you next week!

 

The Weirdness Continues

Since the 3^rd hole at the Seagulls the weirdness has just continued for the Big Kahuna.  Here is a short summary for:

States visited: California, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, Florida.

Shockingly I only golfed in 4 of these states

“Feed the Cat” is in the water! If we ever get a goddamn good weather weekend some of you are invited

I put 6000 miles on my car in 5 weeks.

One night I sent a huge volume of TWI’s to some people who didn’t really want them and did it cost me…about $800 in flowers and a restraining order

I “fell asleep” in my clothes with my shoes ON three times one time I was backwards on the bed. None of these beds were located at my house.

I activated a profile on Match.com and WTF…. Insanity has ensued…

Apparently I was used by the rocket scientist at Match in one of their pop up ad’s and a girl recognized me in the black duck because she saw the ad on her computer.  Jesus I need to pull it together I don’t have the time for this.

Dating is fairly new to me, I am working on a list of personal rules to try and keep me out of trouble, this video this seems to be a good start to help me with this list….. 

Jizz In My Pants response: "Puke In My Mouth" -MsTaken.com - watch more funny videos

 

 

Wow!  At least this has not happened to me…..yet

 

2009 Seagulls Fourball

The Seagulls Fourball is a two man team golf tournament that is held at the Hyannisport Club golf course each year in Early April.  It’s the unofficial kickoff to the tournament golf season and is usually a giant kick in the nutz.  The format is a 18 hole medal qualifier that seeds a championship flight and 6 other flights.  This isn’t a pussy net tournament with a bunch of fucken sand baggers like Mike Erdman its real men ( and a few douche bags) playing real golf.

Each year 112 two man teams beg borrow and steal to get the invitation to play in cold miserable windy conditions on a golf course that directly on the beach located about 500 miles north of the article circle.  The cold windy days are the good ones.  The days with sleet snow and freezing rain with 50 mph winds are the one we all remember because usually a couple teams fucken die out there.

This year the golf gods selected Jack and Andrew (my dad and brother) to qualify with my self and my partner Andy Drohen.  The golf gods have a sick fucken sense of humor.  Actually Jack thought this would be a good idea to qualify with his sons in the Seagulls so he could spend some time with them.  Good dad move but the golf gods punshed him for his greed.  This was the single weirdest round of golf I have even been apart of. 

Personally I havte to relive my round of golf unless something happened that was awesome like aliens came down from space and handed me the keys to a giant speed boat but lets face is no one gives a shit about my round of golf least of all me.  I am violating that rule here so lets get on with the blow by blow.

The first tee.  This the place where bets are initiated but today there is no need for a bet.  4 alpha males about to do battle or golf battle don’t need a wager to get things going and for one of us this is absolutely fucken war.  Just ask him. Your now asking your self who?  Well its my dad  he is a little crazy when it comes to compettive golf.  Wait that’s not fair...... he is not a little crazy he is NUCLEAR FUCKEN CRAZY when it come to tournament golf.

He is so wound up you I was afraid if I touched him he would spontaneously combust. JESUS.  So off we go.  It’s important to make a par on the first hole, it’s a hard long par four and its where they match cards in the case of ties.  Both teams par 1.  My dad and my partner played a sloppy first hole and my brother and I made smooth pars so we were all feeling pretty good about things.  The second hole is a short down wind par 4 that is drivable.  Jack and Andrew smoke tee shots down on the front of the green. I block one in to the right rough and Andy Drohen (5 time Massachusettes State Champion, 3 time USGA qualifying medalist, who has been to and won matched in the US Mid Amateur and US Amateur) hits a tee shot so far right that there we all literally gasp.  I mean he hit this ball 150 yards right of the target.  That’s no shit!

Andrew and Jack hit it in about 3 feet and both make birdie. Wow they look pretty strong.  I blow my wedge over the green, hit a poor chip but make the 20 foot put for par.  Phew.  Were only one back.

Hole 3.  The third hole at Hyannisport is the signature hole. It’s a 350 yard par four that dog legs left out in to the marsh with water on both sides of the fairway. From the green is a stunning view of the clubhouse and you located about 200 yards from the beach where you can hear the waves crashing.  Its quite a spot.  Today there are 3 groups backed up on the hole waiting their fate the way people wait to get executed.  The wind is in our face at 35mph with gusts to 50 and a full moon high tide has pushed the water into the marsh and its now completely under water.  This is the sight.  The fairway and island green and water.  Your target for your driver is about the size of a car door.

Let the games begin!

Andrew: Stap hook into the drink…reload and repeat.  Two brand new ProV1x’s gone..for him the war is over.

Jack, pounds one into the middle of the fairway.

Sean, Snap hook in to the edge of the drink, not quite dead but definitely wet.

Andy – Tour quality right down the middle with a nice draw holding the wind – more audible gasps. I mean the same guy on the last hole made3 a 10 on a 270 yard par four

Off we go  Jack is up and makes a very smart decision with his partner in his pocket and plays his ball to the fairway short of the green  it’s the largest piece of grass on the hole, its about the size of half a tennis court – it was a very good shot.

Andy punches a low iron to 15 feet – we all bow to his greatness.

Wee bro and I are out of the hole and watch helplessly as the most epic melt down occurs.  Andrew looks at me as we are walking up to the green and with a look of neausa on his face says I cant believe I left Dad all alone on this hole. Side note here Jack has the best short game on Cape Cod

He proceeds to skull his chip, I mean it never gets in the air for one millisecond, and it shoots over the green into the water. I throw up in my mouth. No quit in Jack he ask for a ruling on an unplayable lie.  Can he drop in the grass near his ball?  Yes he can bit if it rolls back into the water he is fucked and has to start over.  As he asks for the ruling I go hide in the woods.

Off come Jacks shoes, socks and he rolls up his pants and steps into the 44 degree water.  That must have felt warm because it was only 40 degrees outside.  He steps in and blasts the ball out of the water  it goes one yard to the top of the little hill in front of him then rolls back into the water!  He tries it again and hits it one yard and one inch and it miraculously stays dry and bounces forward to the edge of the green.  He is lying 5.  He charges the put on the lightning fast greens 20 feet by the cup, misses the next one and they make 8.  Any hopes of making the championship flight are now over. 

I look over at Andrew and he looks like he just got hit by lightning.  Andy makes par and over we go to the fourth hole which is just like the 3^rd hole just longer.  Jack is toast for this hole and makes double and Andrew makes a great 5 him self having to go into the water up to his ankles on his 3^rd shot next to the green to blast his own shot out of the water.

5^th hole  Andrew is struggling to a bogie here and as Jack stands over his 3 foot par put a huge gust of wind come up and blows his ball a couple inches which is a penalty and the meltdown continues.  In the past 30 minutes golf has become surreal.  This was the most crazy part of the round so lets just skip the rest of the blow by blow and go to the highlights.

Holes 9-11  Andy and I are cruising along at even thru 8, which is the most likely cut number and from the front tees on a short par five we both make pars with mid irons in are hands and then we melt down making back to back double bogies. Including a fantastic four put by yours truly on 10.  the funny thing about this four put is that I was grinding my ass off one each one of the puts and just shit the bed.  Game over for our team.

On hole 9 Jack tried to hit a three wood from the 10^th fairway which hit a tree so hard it almost knocked it over and ricocheted behind him. 

On hole 15 a par 3, with Jack in his pocket Andrew makes a smooth triple.  Tee shot into a bunker, chunk, skull into another bunker 2 puts = 6

Hole 16 Andy Drohen hit one so far right it landed in

Rhode Island

The round ended with me making a birdie for a smooth 75 for our team and Jack and Andrew make a par and shoot 85.  HOOOOO-LEEEEEE-SHIIIIIIT 

That’s what happens when you mess with the golf gods.

My team was eliminated in the 2^nd flight the next day and Jack and Andrew polished off the 12 handicaps in the 6^th (last) flight and took home a sweet picture with a nice plaque on it that says 6^th flight champions.  A win is a win.  Suck on that.  Next year I am thinkng about going to Aruba

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Enjoy your golf season.