The Big Kahuna - It's ALIVE

Bowl of water in the microwave?

So you want to be on TV?

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A Cape Cod Day

Check this out. I took this photo of WeeBro otherwise known as Big Daddy on Saturday Night at the go-carts in Harwich MA. For the record Finn won the first race and Izzy won the second race. 

Big Daddy and Izzy

 

Here is Mrs. Big Daddy and Finn

 

 

After the go-carts you have to go to DQ where I won. 

 

I knew it.

Well it was a record low in hits yesterday with that hairy bastard Burt Reynolds on the front page.  It wont happen again...well not if I can help it...here you go.

It takes a little to get a little!

 So the other night I was talking with one of my friends who is not one of one of the whiskey tango buck tooth sister fucken sub human neanderthals I normally hang out with (no offence Skip) and she said something interesting to me.  Are you getting where this is going?  I was talking to a hottie who likes the blog. She said to me she liked the blog but the pictures of all the half naked supermodels didn’t really …… well you know what I am saying. She is not bi L and she wants to see hot half naked guys.  So I have to honor this request especially when she told me “you have to give a little to get a little” booyaaaaaaa!  I am not sure she was looking for this but I know when you saw this picture you blew coffee out our nose and that is a win for me.

Rescue at Sea

Imagine yourself in a time and place where your jetlagged,  hungover, have two insane dogs  freaking out, your buried in dirty laundry, have a blossoming eye infection, a week’s worth of mail, email, voice mail and work do deal with including a deadline on a business plan due to your new boss the next morning at 8am when your meeting him for the first time for breakfast in NYC.  

We all have these days, not exactly the same but equally as busy and we all deal with them by putting our heads down and grinding it out.  However when your day gets nuked like mine did it becomes a blog worthy event.  So here you go….this is how Sean Moriarty nuked my day, the day after I returned from Ireland. 

12:20pm It has already been a long day I have driven back and forth to Providence to pick up Francis and Inga and return my parents truck.  They did a huge favor for me taking them on the Cape for the weekend and they are doing an even bigger favor meeting me half way to return them.  After returning, unpacking all the wet clothes, going through the mail, paying all the bills I am just now starting to get caught up on work when the cell phone rings. 

It’s Sean Moriarty.  Since we have the same first name and initials I am going to assign him a nick name for this blog to avoid confusion. If you have ever played golf with Moriarty it’s a wonderful afternoon filled with chain smooking, profane language and lots and lots of cell phone calls.  Since its always like this I think his new nickname should be something that reflects this environment. 

I commission the new nickname for Sean Moriarty…….”Rerun”

Ok back to work….. it’s about 12:20pm when Rerun calls me up and says let’s take the whaler out and go swimming.  This sounds like a good idea, it’s about 90 degrees out and sunny so a swim would be a good idea.  It’s a bad idea because I have way too much work to do and it’s a record year for man eating jellyfish.  I tell him no thanks but he can take it out.  This may sound like a bad decision on my part and it turns out it was a bad decision but I have been on the whaler before with Rerun and he showed some competence in handling the boat and seemed to know the waters and he has taken the whaler before without any incidents (as far as I know).  He says ok he will take it out.

1:10pm I get a text message from Rerun  "CALL ME NOW”

1:20pm I call rerun and he picks up, this is a minor miracle he doesn’t answer the phone much. 

Rerun: Hey, ya gots ta come git me, I be out in da sound an' sho 'nuff!   

            da whaler wont start

            TBK: WTF!!!!!!! What is exactly wrong? 

                        Rerun: turns over but wont catch ….mutha fuken beeotch

                        TBK: Did you flood it?

Rerun: Shut da fuq up! I know what ta do wiff da engine! This piece o'sheeit wont start just come git me an' I gots uh 2pm conference call so when ya git here be quiet. Jus' like Orenthawl James.

TBK: Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you, I think you said you need the number for Sea Tow…is that right?

Rerun: aint dat boil on mah ass.Just fucken come git me !

TBK: I will see what I can do.

1:35pm The launch doesn’t run on week days until 4pm and if I can’t get a ride out to the boat Rerun is screwed for a couple of hours and there is no one at the marina at all.  So I go over to the sailing school and explain my situation.  They are in absolutely no mood to help out but they finally smarten up, get me a life vest and take me out to my boat on the mooring and the rescue mission begins.

1:55pm After motoring around LI sound off of Sherwood Island I find Rerun in the whaler about half way to Port Jefferson. Seriously he was at least 10 miles off shore…..this is a red flag on Rerun’s decision making process if he thinks this is good distance to take the whaler with an engine that is definitely running rougn.  He claims he has drifted here.

2:05pm Rerun gets on his call which he said will take 10 minutes. I back away from the boat and wait for the call to end….my eye is really bothering me.  I need some antibiotics and steroid eye drops soon or this will spread pretty quickly. I make a call and set up a doctor’s appt at 4:45pm.

3:10pm The conference call ends. I tell him to try and fire up the engine. I think he has flooded it.  It does not turn over.  I ask him to take the hand pump that is on the fuel line that goes from the fuel tank to the engine and give it a squeeze.  In case it’s not flooded this works for me when I have trouble starting it.  The procedure for pumping the fuel with this pump is similar to when you buy a family size tube of toothpaste and your using it for the very first time. It just takes a tiny squeeze to get the proper amount of toothpaste onto your toothbrush.  Same with the fuel pump.  I watch in horror as Rerun essentially squeezes the entire fucken tube of toothpaste and pumps about a liter of fuel into the engine. I can smell the fumes from my boat 20 yards away. He can’t smell the fumes because he is smoking a cigarette.

3:15pm  I explain the procedure of how we are going to use his anchor line as out tow line, he argues that this is a bad idea and we should use the dock line.  Nope that is not how this is going to work. I am going to tell him what to do and he is going to do it.  He hates this. But he is fucking up my day so I am going to push as many buttons as much as I can.

3:20pm Rerun pulls the anchor off the bottom

3:35pm Rerun untangles the anchor line he tangled while pulling the anchor off the bottom.

3:37pm I start towing the whaler. I had made Rerun sit in the whaler because I didn’t want to listen to his hysterical arguing about why it’s not his fault that the engine was broken.

3:47pm I get Rerun out of the whaler, his time out is now over and tell him I want him to do one thing for me as we motor in…watch the tow line so it doesn’t end up in my prop which would really fuck up the day.

 

Notice how he is sitting on the opposite side of where the tow line is….I guess he figures if the tow line goes into the prop he will get a good view from here.

4:50pm We pull into the dock and after a spirited debate on…..on basically everything I tell him to do. I finally get him into the whaler with an oar to paddle to the dock.  I find it funny that he is arguing with me about all of these things about the boat so I decide to push his buttons some more.  Incidentally its choppy, windy and there is a ton of traffic in the channel, most of it kids in dingys as a huge dingy  race had just ended…so there was some element of stress in collecting the whaler and getting it to the dock.

Rerun: What iz ya doin' why don’t ya pull over dere an' we's can shorten up da rope. an don't make me pull mah gun!

TBK: Nope we are going to do it over there that way we won’t decapitate that family kayaking with the tow line

Rerun: ya should be going faster, dont make me shank ya!

TBK: Ok here how this is going to work while we pull the whaler in, get you in it, get you to the dock…I am going to tell you to do something and you’re going to say only one thing. That one thing is “Aye Aye Sir!”

Rerun:    ‘silence’    (he doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind, he hates people telling him what to do but he has no choice so he remains silent)

5:05pm  I pull up to the dock, Rerun is pissed about having to use the oar to get the whaler back to the slip and tries the engine...It works!  It was flodded all along.  I tell him just make sure he leaves the boat in the same condition he found it in.  That's all he needs to do and it's really the only rule when you borrow someone else's boat. You leave it in as good or better condition after you use it than you found it in. 

I drop him off and go back to my mooring and head in.  I have missed my doctor’s appointment and I have to get my eye looked at ASAP so I am headed to the Emergency Room. I am not a big fan of Hospitals and ER’s and suffice to say the Big Kahuna is in not so much of a good mood and it only goes down hill when I notice that Rerun left the whaler with the engine in the water all the electronics on, the key in the ignition and the anchor line all over the place.

I don’t really care about flooding the engine.  I did it, not as bad as he did, but I did, it’s a common mistake but leaving the boat a mess was a terrible job. A huge reduction in man points.  It took him a while but he know this and after some explanation on why he fucked up he realized he did, apologized and even went out of his way to bring a case of beer over to the kids at the sailing school . That should have gotten them hammered since they are all 15 years old.

Anyway a big thanks for Rerun for providing me with this rich blog material.  Slap my fro!

 

CSI Lahinch

I might as well fully disclose the actual events of the last couple days in Ireland because I am pretty sure that I am not going to get extradited for the contents of this blog.  However in case any of the Irish Guarda are reading this my official position hasn’t changed: “I have nothing to do with this. I didn’t see anything. I don’t know any of these people. How can I donate to the local PAL?”

One of the positive things that came out of getting ass whipped by a Irish golfing legend in a great Irish golfing town is people know you.  Also as only one of only three Americans in the 192 person field for the South of Ireland and the only one over 21 and definitely the only one who was in the pubs late each night I was well known by the end of my week.  At least 10 different times in a 24 hour period after the match total strangers came up to me to talk about my experience in the tournament and the country.  I have to say it was shocking at first but very quickly became cool and entertaining. I mean this is type of recognition really good with the ladies but not so good when local law enforcement is looking for an American.  

So on Monday Yoda, The President of the Longshore Mens Golf Association and Yoda’s friend “The Trainwreck” arrive back in Lahinch to finish off their trip before we all headed back to Shannon and then home.  That night we were in a pub and don’t you know some stranger recognizes me, sits down and starts talking to us.  Everyone, well almost everyone, is very very friendly and after we finished talking about how great I am  about golf, beer and Ireland he says he thinks the guy who lost to Simon Ward is in the same pub.  Then before you know it that guy (a 26 year old Scottsman) and his friend (a 19 year old Irishman) who are swilling RedBull and vodka sit down and we start telling each other about our matches, jokes and stories.  All great fun.  On a side note Did you hear the one about the Buddhist Monk who went into a Pizza place and said make me one with everything?

 After about 3 hours with these guys things started to wind down and we were going to head to different pubs to finish off the night.  It was about 10pm and the town was still rocking.  As we spilled out of the pub Yoda, PRESLMGA and TR started pulling all their gear out of the rental car. Incidentally the rental car looked like it had been in an IED attack….a successful IED attack.  Yoda was bitchslapped by a stone wall.  Anyway as the golf clubs come out of the car the and the next thing you know the Scottish kid has a 5 iron and a golf ball and is ready to hit it right down the street.  The street is crowed with people and he wants to carry it about 200 yards over some buildings into a parking lot.  Clearly this is a problem.  A 5 iron is not nearly enough club. Some one gives him a 3 wood.  I don’t know who did this because I didn’t see anything and I don’t  know any of these people.  He was having some trouble teeing it up on the pavement so (gulp) I suggested he tee it up on the side walk between some bricks.  Hey look I am just trying to help out a fellow golfer who is having trouble finding a place to hit a miracle shot. 

It occurs to me that this has to be recorded.  I am not an idiot but not a genious either.  With in seconds of the ball getting on the tee cameras are out everywhere.

The kid pulls the trigger, his tempo was way way way to fast, probally the 23 redbulls and vodkas had something to do with this.  He toe/shanks the 3 wood almost dead right directly into a glass store sign that’s hanging above a WATERFORD CRYSTAL STORE.   Hoo-lee-shit!  This is where the fun/excitement/terror starts.

The ball which was moving at mach 2 ricochets off the sign goes 90 degrees dead left shoots across the street and whizzes right in front of a man pushing a baby stroller. Well the Scottish and Irish kids scatter TR and Yoda grab their bags from the car and PRESLMGA and I start walking to the hotel.  When we notice that the guy pushing the stroller starts yelling at us, wait he is yelling at us and yelling into a cell phone, wait whats that in his other hand………..its a badge!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is an off duty cop!!!!!!!!!

Well what to do? Clearly its drink!  So after they stow their gear we all head to another pub to listen to some live music.  Well within 30 minutes someone from my hotel is in the bar looking for the American.    

Let the interrogations begin.  The local Guarda were not so happy and we were the suspects. We didn’t know this but at the time they had picked up the 2 kids who said we did it and they didn’t do anything.  THAT’S OUR LINE!  So they ask us all these questions and under no cirmstances did any of us mislead or lie to law enforcement.  No shit that would have been stupid.  The cops definitely had their shit together and asked all the right questions and after an hour they had figured out what had happened.  We felt bad and said we would pay for the sign, which the cops were pissed at us about, they wanted to nail those kids.

Side note apparently one of the kids called the cops to rat us out and when the Guarda asked him which officer he spoke to he said some fat guy with glasses.  Little did he know the cop he was talking to was same cop he was speaking with before.

So after we convinced the cops to take the $200 euros to pay for the sign we went back to the pub.  Interrogations and the good cop bad cop routine is a bit of a buzz kill. So things settled down the pints started rolling and we all were having a good laugh when the 2 idiot kids showed back up. The cops were looking for them to get us our $ back and the kids wanted me to call the cops and tell them they paid me.  FUCK THAT! At this point the bartender comes around the bar and tells me “Go to your room right now!!!” Booyaaa I left.

Ten minutes later there is knock at my door.  The Bartender is back, the cops want to talk to me…..I went down there and the female cop says to me” I have one question for you, did they pay you the $200?”  I told her they didn’t and she was pissed and I asked her if I could be dismissed she said yes and she also told me that was going to get our money back from that ass hole.  Booyaaa I wanted to buy her a drink, then she said “We have them on CCTV”  I asked her if I could see that.  She pulls out here cell phone and there is the kid at the top of his swing in the middle of the street and more importantly you cant see me standing directly him with my camera out.  Incidentally that kid has a great swing, big shoulder rotation and nice extension.   So I go back to my room.

 

5 minutes later there is another knock at my door and it’s the female cop, she wants to ………just kidding it’s the bartender and they have more questions and this time when I got down stairs it’s the 2 cops, the kid who hit the ball and the bartender.  They all look at me and the big male cop points at me and tells me to answer his just his question. “Did he pay you 200 euros?” TBK: “NO SIR!” thank you, you may go. 

I later found out that shortly that exchange the female cop literally threw the kid out of the hotel and I think he got arrested.

Phew  !  I had nothing to do with it, I didn’t see anything, I have no idea who these people are” Words to live by.

Anyway the Guards was very professional, we were pretty stupid letting those and two ass hole kids do that and I thank god I was impaired enough not to work my camera. 

On our final day we golfed in a gale and met the Golf Union Ireland which is their USGA and they recognized me and the Secretary of the GUI gave me his tie.  For a day and half in a tiny little town in south west Ireland TBK was fucken famous! BOOYAAAAAAA  Can’t wait to next year. 

 

 

South of Ireland Round 2 Results - Kahuna Crushed!

Lahinch Co.Clare Ireland 27-7-2008

So much for staying in.  I was way under my 8 pint limit last night, capping out the night around 6.  I am such an idiot

You can always learn something about your opponent from his golf bag.  Some like mine has our home clubs name on it. Some have top courses that they have played on them, others have the name of a tournament or even the name of the state they are from if they are good enough to make the State team that goes to the USGA State Team Championship tournament.  When you see an amateur with a tour bag, their name on it and the country they are from that is a complete different level.  Simon Ward's bag is a huge white tour bag with an Irish flag and Ireland written on it. The Irish team just won the European Team Championship. My thought is why not me why not today!  

After taking a look Simon Ward's swing on the first tee I knew there would be no room for screw ups.  No wins with bogie, no halves w double today.  The weather was perfect with puffy white cloud, warm sun and a half a club breeze off the North Atlantic so why not begin the match with a birdie barrage.  In front of about 100 people on the first tee Simon smoked a huge high draw down the middle and I followed with a high fade that landed in the fairway and drifted into the rough, my 8i just missed the green and I rolled my birdie try up close for a tap in par. He rolled in the birdie. 1 down.

Second hole a par 5 we both knocked it on in too.  This was pretty cool because the entire clubhouse bar emptied out onto the deck to watch our second shots and hy hybrid from 245 to the middle of the green got a nice applause.  He had about 8 iron and hit it 10 feet.  We both birdie.  He smoked it right down the middle, it was a bit mesmerizing watching his action. His swing is really good. Anyway I pulled it into the death rough, pitched out hit in on, he hit it 20 feet and made it.  Nice start 3 birdies in a row. 2 down.

4th hole he missed a 4 foot birdie for the win and then sticks it close on 5 for his 4th birdie. 3 down. We both par 6 and I win with a par on 7 when his wedge from 180 went over the green. halve 8 and 9 with pars.  He had less than 15 feet on both for birdie. Also I made a great up and down infront a big gallery on 9 to keep the honor on 10. I make bogie, he pars 3 down. Pars on 11 and he birdies 12 4 down.

13 I hit my drive into a cliff with 3 foot deep rough and after 3 hacks and a whif I am 5 down. 14 I finally smoke a drive right out there next to him and just after a 30 second shower cooled us down on the walk out to our tee shots I try to step on a 5i from 210 and slip my ball went into a 10,000 foot crevas where I received total consciousness. He smoothed it in to about 20 feet and game over 6&4.  Think about this I was 2 over with a double and was 4 down. Thats how Simon rolls.

Anyway he is a great kid and is going to go along way in this game. Look for great things from the Central Florida golf team next year (he will be a freshman)

Me on the other hand, I had more fun than anyone in the tournament and I dont have any beer limit tonight.  Katie bar the door!  I think I am going to take a surfing lesson tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks to everyone who sent me txt good luck messages last night they were great and the entire bar at the Atlantic Hotel thought they were fantastic.  Also I sort of took all the advice and had a special lunch of chicken and butter sandwich and 2 or 3 pints of Harp.  That did the trick  I should have been so nervous on the first tee with all the people around but I was humming the Rocky theme song and smoked my golf ball with USA on one side and the American flag on the other basically right down the middle.  Thats how I roll.  After the match I was so pissed at my driver I gave it to my caddie Midge who was moved to tears.  I learned that from Bo-Dog. 

See you in the 2009 South of Ireland Amateur Open.  Anyone who is a 1.7hdcp or less start saving up because you have to play in this tournament at least once it is a fucken blast.

Over and out!

TBK

South of Ireland Amateur Open Round 1 Results

Lahinch Co. Clare 26 July 2008

Well I am 2-0 in round one matches after my victory today in what will not do down as one of the greatest matches at the famous Lahinch Golf Club.  Hoewever it was pretty great to me because I fucken won!

Here is the blow by blow.  Midge hase me on a strict 8 pints a night max last night and I did not break that rule.  This is up from 5 because we found out that a pint of Guiness only has 100 calories - BOOYAAAAA!!! so I had my 8 pints over a 2 hour period last night (just kidding mom it was more like 7 hours) and went to the golf course this morning and had the best warm up session I have had in recent memory. This was awful news, you never play well in a tournament if you warm up well.

I started of on fire. Crazy up and down on 1 for par, birdie 2, bogie 3 (480yards into the wind), birdie 4 par 5 to go 3 up. I made a miracle up and down from a pot bunker on 8 and teed off on 9 3 up.  Lost, 9, 10, 11 and 12 to go one down. FUCK FUCK FUCK  My swing had evaporated and I was choking a bit.  Win 13 w par halve 14 w double bogie then find my swing and par 15, 16 & 17 to win all three holes and the match.

So on to Sunday. Who am I playing? Apparently Padrig Harrington wasnt available so it's Simon Ward. He is the 437 ranked amateur in the world He is also the 2007 Runner-up of the South of Ireland and the 2006 Champion.  He is 21 and I am going to run the Lawrence Taylor playbook on him tonight.

So tomorrow should he should be about a 1,000 to 1 favorite, or like a 21 point underdog in the superbowl going against huge favorites that should dominate...hmmmmm kind of like the 2001 New England Patriots. Or someone else, I cant seem to remember who...

Anyway I better get going I have 8 pints to drink and its already 8pm and I have not had any. 

TBK out!

Now I remembet, the 2004 Boston Red Sox who were down 0-3 to the NY Yankees and won!  phew I with all the championships I almost forgot about that

TBK Rolls into Ireland

Lahinch Co. Clair Ireland 7/27/2008

Well I arrived in Ireland yesterday after a marathon journey from JFK to Ireland  We had a 4 hour delay sitting on the plane before taking off but thank god I only remember a little of that due to an altercation with a bottle of Grey Goose (I think I won, I think) and an ambient.

Got a ride to Lahinch from Bob Cunningham and Sean Doyle who also played Lahinch with me yesterday.  The golf course is in fantastic condition.  Hard and fast with quick greens.  I have a practice round today and then the South of Ireland starts in the morning.  My tee time is at just after 2pm local time which is just after 9am your time.  Results can be found here.

For those of you who have not been to Lahinch it's a must visit. The golf course is great but the town is also outstanding.  The main street is about the size of Main St. Westport CT but its basically all pubs, a small grocery store, sweater store and a church.  All you need for survival! There is also a big surf school here and some competition going on so you have quite a mix of golfers, surfers, local artists and The Big Kahuna.

Anyway sorry for not updating this blog.  I have several over due blogs on that I need to get to you.  The LMGA member guest where there was really only one winner - Me!!!!!  Inga who had some surgery to remove a tumor that wasn't cancer thank god, a movie review of The Black Knight - the new Batman movie, in short go see it, and an upcomming book review.